Playing the waiting game.......

Source

So here's the deal.....about 11 years ago someone very important told Mr Lil and I that we'd have problems conceiving......cue lots of upset, heartache, panicking and tears. Then somewhere along the way it got easier and better and even though it was still very hard at times, it did become more bearable.

Fast forward 11 years and everything changed. I had an operation which was a massive thing for me (being the complete drama queen that I am), had some blood tests, used a sparkly machine that told me that I'd ovulated and was more or less waved on my merry way by my GP. Great. no I mean it, really really great.............

I now hover between absolute disbelief (is this amount of disbelief actually possible without me being pregnant?!?) and pure excitement! On the disbelief days, of which there are many, I really struggle to believe all the good news and just struggle and find it hard to come to terms with it all. I'm aware that my head is playing the catch-up game a little but it seems to be stopping for a little snooze along the way too - if you're listening head then a gentle jog would be great. I try and talk about it - to the people who aren't completely sick of listening (are there any of those left?!) but it's so hard to explain, really it is. I'm also aware of the fact that there are lots of people in a much worse position than me and really I am getting all that I have ever wished for so really I sound incredibly ungrateful. But, my head has thought one way for so long that sometimes it really is impossible to think another. On the exciting days it's the complete polar opposite! I am completely thrilled, have so much hope and belief that I find it hard to contain it and I really do believe that this will happen! But then, you know what........disbelief rears it's ugly head fairly promptly and has a big old laugh at me. Laughs in my face, mocks me and taunts me like a playground bully. How silly do I feel for believing excitement when really disbelief is clearly the front runner!

Apologies if you stopped by for a joyous read but it's hard to explain things sometimes and easier to write them. Hopefully soon enough the excitement will strike out as the front runner and I'll have my lovely blog writing head on.

xxx

Getting there.......

Source

I haven't updated on my weight loss for a little while so I thought that I would do so today seeing as today marks the day when despite the too-ing and fro-ing of holiday weight gain I have now lost 2 stone. 

There is still a way to go to get to where I want to be but I really feel like I can do it this time. No radical diets, no starving myself just plain and simple healthy eating and exercise. There was a time when I thought there was a little diet secret that I didn't know, that all my slimmer friends had forgotten to tell me but no, it is as simple as making a conscious effort. 

I don't think it's been easy but at the same time it hasn't been hard! I have to make educated decisions about food everyday and generally be aware of my calorie and fat intake but at the same time I am still eating things that I enjoy and have perhaps even found new things that I love - pomegranates being one of them!

So, the journey continues with the end goal in sight now! I will get there and whatever outcome that brings at least I will be a slimmer, happier Mrs Lil.

xxxx

Dear Infertility.......

Source

Dear Infertility,

I think that you have been expecting this letter for some time, perhaps even longer than I have been planning to write it for. 

We've been together for almost 11 years now but if I'm honest, I just really don't see a future for us. In the early days I hated you but fairly soon you won me over and I got used to having you around. I stopped feeling like you were bullying me and picking on me and instead I came to trust you and find comfort in you. However, now it's time for you to move on and find someone else. How I wish that you didn't have to find someone else, someone to put through those agonising days, tear filled nights and someone whose heart you'll make ache but I know that you will and my deepest respect goes out to that person for having you as part of their life.

I often wonder how I'll cope without you......how will I cope with having no-one to blame, how will I cope with not having a reason, how will I cope with you not being the first thing that I think of in the morning and the last thing that I think of at night. How will I cope without your voice in my head telling me how inadequate I am, how my husband would be better off with someone else, how I am the only friend left in my group of friends who hasn't got children.....How will I cope? The answer to this is I don't know, really I don't but I am willing to at least try.

Right now I feel like the new girl at school with no friends, cold in the playground with no-one to turn to. You did this to me, you made me depend on you to the point where no-one else would understand so how can I expect others to have the answers now. But actually I don't mind being the new girl, I don't mind making new friends and I don't mind shaking off my security blanket even if that makes me cold for a little while. I'd rather be cold and hopeful than warm and empty of hope.

I'd like to say that it was good while it lasted but it really wasn't! But you did teach me a lot about myself, stuff that I'd never have learnt otherwise. 

Perhaps you're not ready to leave just yet but when you are please can you lock the door behind you and post the keys through the letterbox....you won't be needing them again.

Bye 

Mrs Lil

PS - Perhaps I'll write to you again and let you know how I am coping without you

Is it so bad to land in the stars.....?

Earlier this week I stumbled across a blog which I then sat and read from start to finish last night. If you have the time and the inclination to then it is well worth a read. The author writes with astounding honesty and whilst the truth is at times hard to read it is also refreshing to know that other people experience things in the same way.

When I sit and think about all that Mr Lil and I have been through in the quest to have a baby I sometimes wonder how we have survived it. I knew when I met him that Mr Lil was the one for me - I remember waking my sister up at a ridiculously silly hour in the morning to tell her about this 'boy' that I'd met and how fabulous he was. I remember that within two days of meeting him I contemplated ending things because I was so scared of how powerful my feelings for him were. I also remember knowing that it was right to move in with him after less than a week - I will never ever forget the look of utter disgust and pure desperation on my Mother's face when I was putting my belongings in to the car to move to my new home. Add to that the huge amount of negativity that our relationship has received at one point or another and mainly from one person, sometimes I really do wonder how we have ever got this far. But we have and I 100% know that we are beyond breakable.

I read the blog with such sadness at times and pure relief that I wasn't able to relate to the bloggers posts about how infertility had affected her marriage. That doesn't mean that I think that my marriage is better than hers or stronger or different in any other way than the fact that by the time infertility came along for us we had already been through so much and learnt how to communicate with one another that I think that we just felt it was another thing to have to deal with in life. Smug....no.....grateful.....yes!

Recently I have been seeing a hypnotherapist/counsellor and I think that this is helping hugely with my positivity etc but also the sessions are really teaching me so much about myself and what I want from life. The overwhelming thing that it has taught me is that it's perfectly reasonable to aim for the moon but you know what, landing in the stars is just perfect too.

( NB - I do know that meteorologically that isn't entirely correct)

xxx

GoodTimes!

Wow, where does the time go! I haven't blogged for ages but life has been so busy!

Well, what has been happening! Work has been super busy which is all good, I've been in hospital which wasn't so good in the short term but really good in the long term (I hope), we've celebrated my lovely sisters birthday, had a completely relaxing and beautiful weekend away to celebrate my fabulous friends 30th birthday! All in all it has been an extremely good few months.

So, why haven't I blogged about all of these wonderful things.......at one point I didn't think that I wanted to blog anymore but now I've decided that I blog for me and if people read it and it's not funny or they don't like it then so be it because really it's my little online diary and a place to remember the things that made me laugh and equally the things that made me cry!

I really feel as though so much has changed for me in the past few months, I almost feel like a different person. I was chatting to someone recently and explained how I feel like I haven't felt like me for so long but didn't realise it and it was only when I suddenly realised recently that I felt like my old self again that I realised that I hadn't done for so long. Life has been so hard at times for so many reasons but I really feel that I have turned a corner lately and some days I feel like I could cry because I feel so emotionally content and happy!

I was driving today and I was listening to a song with words that nearly made me cry....I used to get like that a lot but realised again that it was something that I'd not experienced for so long. It was like I had closed off so many of my emotions for fear of hurt and upset all over again, that in reality I actually wasn't letting myself experience so much of the good stuff for fear of it going wrong! But as I said, I really feel that I have turned a corner lately!

The plans for a little Lil are still underway and surely that alone is something completely amazing to look forward to....perhaps I've finally woken up and realised that.

xxx

Complete Lovliness

I have been a completely spoilt Mrs Lil this week!

On Saturday I spent a wonderful day with the very lovely Sarah from Blue Door Bakery. I visited the bakery and spent the day decorating beautiful cupcakes and just generally chatting the day away. Sarah also very kindly bought me some pretty flowers (which are above) and a selection of lovely Cath Kidston goodies, all with their own little tale to tell which I thought was super thoughtful and she clearly knows me very well! I really did have a lovely day.

Following on from Saturday I spent a lovely evening with Suzie and Laura. The evening flew by with us chatting all about Laura's impending wedding and hen events and we even watched Suzie's wedding DVD from earlier this year! After a hectic few days at work it was perfect! I haven't really known Laura and Suzie very long at all but their kindness astounds me. Last night they gave me with a lovely and really thoughtful collage of C&P pictures! They both know how sad I was to have closed C&P so they thought that it would be a nice reminder of all the lovely cupcakes that I'd baked over the past year or so! It really is lovely and is going to go up on the wall in my office! Thank you ladies.

I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such lovely people in my life. Some of them I have known for a very long time, one of them I am lucky enough to call my sister but some of them I have met very recently at a time when I didn't really expect to be making new friendships but you know what.......I am very glad that I did. I am a very lucky Mrs Lil!

On another note - 1lb loss this week!! What's that about?! 1lb, it's barely worth mentioning.

Down at the bottom of the garden.......

When we moved in to our house Mr Lil was very excited that there were vegetable plots and a greenhouse. I on the other hand was less enthusiastic since we mostly manage to kill every plant that enters the house!

Well look who was right!

I am super impressed with Mr Lil and his green fingers. So far this summer we have had lots of lettuce and radish, a few tomato's, some spring onion, some rhubarb which Dot turned in to a lovely rhubarb and ginger crumble and that's been about the lot. Not that I am moaning at all, I don't think that we have had to buy any of the aforementioned for months so it's certainly kept us going! Oooh and strawberries too, we had some strawberries before Lola Beagle found them and decided that she quite liked them for dessert every night!

However, Mr Lil has surpassed himself today!! The picture above is what was freshly picked from the garden this afternoon and is now going to be magically transformed in to a lovely roast chicken dinner for this evening! See how clever we are, we can make the above in to roast chicken. Well not really, but you get the picture. Incidentally, the bread was whipped up and baked whilst Mr Lil was picking the veg!

In all seriousness Mr Lil and I really hadn't a clue when we started out growing the vegetables etc and we still have a lot to learn (like that we've missed a fair few of the planting dates for winter veg, oh dear!) but it just goes to prove that it can be done. With a little knowledge, a lot of seeds and some hard work then you really can enjoy the fruits of your labour!

Bye bye xxx

Thursday Weigh-In

First of all, sorry for the lack of posts! I have been a busy little Mrs Lil for the last week or so. Work has been eating in to huge amounts of my time - how rude and then every time I have sat down to blog, something else has popped up to do!

Anyway, today is weigh-in Thursday and dum dum dum......I lost 4lb this week, making a grand total of 11lb over the past four weeks!! I'm quite pleased with that! I was feeling all negative about my weight loss at last week but when I look at the bigger picture then 11lb is fabulous I think! I've still eating relatively normally, been able to eat out, socialise with friends, have nice things for dinner etc so all in all I am thrilled!

Not much else to report! Mr Lil and I were hoping to go to Vintage at Goodwood this weekend but I don't think we're going to be able to go for one reason or another which is a shame as it looks fabulous!!

We're on countdown to our holiday now!! Just over four weeks until we go and we can't blimming wait.

Well that's all for now! Enjoy your weekends!

Bye for now xxx

Sad Mrs Lil

Today I trawled the net looking for a pic that represented how I have felt this week! I Googled Sad Cupcake but of course, cupcakes aren't sad and they don't make you feel sad so my hunt was over fairly rapidly! Then I Googled Sad Doll - hmmmmm.......take a look......there are some scarily sad dolls out there!! None of which were relevant or very pretty to look at, in fact most of them were very very scary! Finally I Googled Sad Dolly - result.....this was the pic that very nearly won!!

I can be Sad Dolly Parton this week if I want to!! For starters what on earth does Dolly Parton have to be sad about?! Ok she has to lug that huge pair of Dolly Partons about but then I've got much the same problem and I'm not always sad, plus I'm not a multi-millionaire with gold discs lining my hallway! Anyway Sad Dolly Parton is funny and it seems she's sad a lot of the time because there are lots of Google images of her. But step aside Miss Parton because this week there is a new Sad Dolly on the block, Mrs Lil herself!!

For one reason or another this week has been utterly sad. Well that's a small lie actually, it's been a very mixed bag of emotions but ended on rather a sad note. My sister is away on holiday (lucky lady) but this week I have missed her lots and lots and that made everything all the more harder to deal with! My bestest friend has been an absolute angel, seriously she must have been driven mad by me this week but not once has she sent me the wiggly (I don't know what to say) text face. She has been there for me all day and night and seriously picked up the pieces of my broken little heart! Mr Lil has been his usual wonderful self. I often wonder what I would do if he wasn't so wonderful?!? Eeek, it doesn't bear thinking about! He's generally probably as sad as I am but he's completely put me first and wrapped me in cotton wool. There are a few other particularly special people out there who have been little shining stars this week - thank you lovelies!!

Anyway, enough self pity - well maybe just a little more until after the weekend!! But then normal service shall resume I promise.

Bye bye xxxx

A little day out to the Emma Bridgewater factory.

On Sunday Mr Lil and I decided to take our new car out for a little drive so we popped along to the Emma Bridgewater factory in Stoke. I totally love all thing Emma Bridgewater and over the last few years I have managed to build up quite a little collection. Most of our bits and bobs are from the polkadot collection but we do have the odd bit from other collections too. I just love how collectible it all is yet still has a modern feel to it as opposed to the age old view of that if you collect pottery then you must also be at home knitting and wearing your twinset and pearls (both of which I also love).

Anyway, we haven't been to the factory for a good few months as we were lucky enough to celebrate a big anniversary this year and had lots of lovely EB items bought for us and then I received the fabulous polkadot teapot as a belated Christmas present too so all in all our collection has grown in recent months. However, we had decided that we wanted to increase our place settings to 6 and also just have a mooch about! Well well well, we were in for a surprise!! Since we last went Emma Bridgewater have developed a lovely garden area with an array of pretty flowers and delicious smelling herbs growing and then the most exciting thing is that they have chickens!!! I was so excited by this! Mr Lil and I have been considering getting some chickens for a while now so it was quite something to see them at EB too!

The shopping trip was very successful! We got our extra place settings and then also managed to pick up a lovely polkadot jug and also a pretty polkadot hearts plate with I Love You written on it, super cute!! All in all a good day!

If you're not familiar with the Emma Bridgewater factory then they also have a decorating studio there where you can pick any piece of plain pottery and then decorate it as you choose. This is such a wonderful idea and a really good activity to do with children in the school holidays, an alternative hen party, a fabulous treat for best friends (I intend to do this with mine very soon) and just generally a lovely way to spend a few hours. The cost of the decorating studio is just £2.95 plus the cost of the pottery so I really think that this is a complete bargain. There is even a tea shop there that sells refreshments and a selection of delicious cakes!

I am aware that this blog post has maybe turned in to an Emma Bridgewater review and that isn't how it is meant to read at all. I just think that they are a fabulous company with wonderful items and really strong company ethics! Something that you don't often find nowadays!

On another note, the diet is going really well! I lost 5lb last week which I was really pleased about. I am feeling much healthier too as we are eating a really healthy and varied diet. I'll be back soon with more diet tales, perhaps even some recipes.

Thanks to all for your lovely and supportive comments on my previous post!

xxx

A day of new beginnings..........

There are lots of things that I love in life but right up there at the top, well just under my husband, family, friends and the pooches are cupcakes, picnics and Italian food! Cupcakes are one of the nicest things known to women.....just the right size, just the right amount - not a massive cake but not a fondant fancy-simply perfect! Picnics are fabulous too, I love packing everything up in the picnic hamper and setting off in the car to while away a summers afternoon, it really is bliss. And finally, Italian food, it is absolutely my favourite food to eat. I could eat it for every meal and never get bored. Delicious!!

So.....and herein is where you might think that I am utterly bonkers, why on earth am I happily giving all of this up for.....oh, at least the next 6 months! Well there lies a story (I'll save the whole story for another time maybe) but in short, whilst I might completely be in love with all of the above I am more in love with the concept of one day being a Mummy and having a family with my husband and that my lovelies is my reason for undertaking one of the most strictest regimes know to women...........THE DIET!

My reason for doing this is because in order to become a Mummy I am most likely going to have to go down the IVF path - what a roller coaster of diets and IVF my life is going to be for the next 12 months - and in order to have IVF I need to lose quite a substantial amount of weight (perhaps I will divulge exactly how much one day soon).

So there you go, this blog is going to hopefully diarise my journey and be there for me through it all - somewhere to moan, be excited, cry, be overjoyed...you get the picture!!

Right, I'm off now - time for weigh-in.

xxx

Friday Fill-Ins

And here we go.....

1.  Life feels great.

2.  The solution is to never give up.

3.  I wish that I could fall asleep more easily.

4.  How about a day off?

5.  Getting married is something I highly recommend!

6. Imagine a different world.

7.  And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a family meal with my husband, my sister and my brother in law, tomorrow my plans include shopping and Sunday, I want to have a lovely picnic.

Have a lovely weekend all xxx

A Picnic and a VW

Well this weekend Mr Lil and I have decided to have a little drive out to the Deva Dubs n Rods VW Show in Shrewsbury. We went for the day last year and had a really lovely time.

We are going to go in the Tortoise (pictured above) which is Mr Lil's current mode of transport and take a delicious picnic with us!! We bought a new picnic basket and set recently so I can't wait to use it! Fingers crossed for the sunshine for us!!

We've had a busy few days of changes and planning so Sunday will be a nice time to reflect and relax!

Well I am off to plan some delicious treats for the picnic.

xxx

A Little Break to Gozo

We're not long back from a lovely long weekend on Gozo!!

As children, my sister and I spent many a holiday on Gozo and it was nice to go back and make some new memories and also relive some older ones too!

We generally just mooched about, read, ate lovely food, drank delicious wine and chatted and laughed about the silliest things!

I think that we all benefited from some relaxation time and some time away from the norm!!

I've decided to look for a photography blogging circle, for want of a better term. I believe there's one group that set you a task each week and you have to take a different style of photo! I think I'll find it really beneficial in learning about my new camera which at the moment just baffles me more every time I use it!!!! So keep your eyes peeled for what will undoubtably be my hilarious attempts!!!

Busy Busy Busy!!!!

Life is so busy at the moment that I don't know where the time goes!!

Work has been hugely hectic and the cupcake business is thriving so that's fabulous news too but sadly it hasn't left much time for blogging!

We're going away this weekend on a much needed break to Gozo! I'm going to take my new camera with me and hopefully capture some lovely pictures! I'd love to have more time to learn more about photography and take more pictures......one day hopefully!

Well that's all for now, hopefully I will be back soon with some fabulous pictures from Gozo but for now I will leave you with a picture of one of our pooches!

At long last....

Well, well, well....this blog has been sitting here all sad and lonely for many months now as I just haven't had the time to get it started!

The blog is meant to be me blogging my way through some homemade items but I just don't have the time right now so I decided that rather than it just sitting there then I should use it. So that's what I am going to do! For now it is going to be a blog about me, the people I love and the things that I like in life! Hopefully one day soon I will have the time to turn it in to the blog that it was always meant to be but for now it's just about my life!

PLEASE BARE WITH ME!.....

WHILST WE ARE STILL MOVING IN!

xx Love LiL xx