Playing the waiting game.......

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So here's the deal.....about 11 years ago someone very important told Mr Lil and I that we'd have problems conceiving......cue lots of upset, heartache, panicking and tears. Then somewhere along the way it got easier and better and even though it was still very hard at times, it did become more bearable.

Fast forward 11 years and everything changed. I had an operation which was a massive thing for me (being the complete drama queen that I am), had some blood tests, used a sparkly machine that told me that I'd ovulated and was more or less waved on my merry way by my GP. Great. no I mean it, really really great.............

I now hover between absolute disbelief (is this amount of disbelief actually possible without me being pregnant?!?) and pure excitement! On the disbelief days, of which there are many, I really struggle to believe all the good news and just struggle and find it hard to come to terms with it all. I'm aware that my head is playing the catch-up game a little but it seems to be stopping for a little snooze along the way too - if you're listening head then a gentle jog would be great. I try and talk about it - to the people who aren't completely sick of listening (are there any of those left?!) but it's so hard to explain, really it is. I'm also aware of the fact that there are lots of people in a much worse position than me and really I am getting all that I have ever wished for so really I sound incredibly ungrateful. But, my head has thought one way for so long that sometimes it really is impossible to think another. On the exciting days it's the complete polar opposite! I am completely thrilled, have so much hope and belief that I find it hard to contain it and I really do believe that this will happen! But then, you know what........disbelief rears it's ugly head fairly promptly and has a big old laugh at me. Laughs in my face, mocks me and taunts me like a playground bully. How silly do I feel for believing excitement when really disbelief is clearly the front runner!

Apologies if you stopped by for a joyous read but it's hard to explain things sometimes and easier to write them. Hopefully soon enough the excitement will strike out as the front runner and I'll have my lovely blog writing head on.

xxx